Forgiveness Voyage; Rough seas ahead!

Forgiveness is a tender subject for me, as it is for anyone who has been, dare I use the word, victimized, at the hands of another. I've dwelt on the concept of Forgiveness for a number of years. I want it, I crave it...Yet it continues to elude me. I see it, hiding... Just. Over. There! It seems as though we play a perpetual game of hide and seek. Forgiveness...you wily rascal, you! Like a cat, sometimes it snuggles right up on your chest and purrs in your ear, giving feelings of contentment and peace. Then, suddenly, without warning, it bites you hard, and flees, and you're left feeling bewildered and hurt.

I love those documentaries about modern-day pirates or treasure hunters. They are fascinating! The evidence that the treasure actually exists is so compelling. I am drawn in, excited, and hopeful. I'm sure they will find it; how could they not! Yet by the end of the 50 minutes, even with all of their sophisticated research, equipment, and advanced technology, most of the time, they come up empty-handed. And just like that, we are back to square one—left wondering what they're missing, whether their calculations are off, or maybe, just maybe, the treasure doesn't really exist. Finding Forgiveness is like a treasure hunt. 

Now, I am the treasure hunter (currently donning my eye patch), and Forgiveness, she is my bounty! I have the tools, the research, and the knowledge of how to find her. Occasionally, I come across a precious nugget or two in my search. It is rewarding and comforting, but, alas, it is not the whole enchilada, and I am greedy...I want the entire booty, "Aargh! Where's me treasure!"

And just in case, simply finding it isn't hard enough, let's add in a pinch of self-righteous advice from others."It's been (fill in the blank) years, you should have forgiven and forgotten by now." or  this little gem: "Forgiveness is for you, not them." Really? Thanks for clearing that up! I wish they could hear, just how patronizing they sound as the words exit their tiny, perfect, little mouths? Would they continue to speak? I think they would. After all, they mean well. Or do they?

I know there are those around me, close friends and family, people I love, and who love me, who are wishing, hoping, and praying that I will find my elusive treasure—sooner, rather than later. Their concerned faces are laced with impatience. They want me to find peace, or maybe they believe that when I find Forgiveness, they can too. But, unless you have forged the journey for yourself you cannot understand just how painstaking the process. How arduous the journey. I cannot will myself to forgive...if I could, we wouldn't have a problem, would we? Hell! No one would have a problem if we could all simply will ourselves to forgive those who have wronged us.

If I've learned anything in my search so far, it is this: Every. Single. Thing. Is a process, and I mean everything, no exceptions. It would be nice if I woke up tomorrow and "found" Forgiveness. OMG! She was hiding under my bed this whole time. But would that actually make me a better person? After all, Forgiveness is for "us", not "them". 😉

In my experience, it's the push against the storm. Screaming at the waves when all seems lost, "Is that all you've got!" that will, in the end, create a better person, not Forgiveness. Do we actually "find" Forgiveness, or does she find us—when we are ready? When we've fought the good fight. When we've sailed all the tempestuous seas of our soul and faced the depths of hurt that lie beneath waves (queue the Jaw's them song). If you're not afraid, you're doing it wrong. It's a long, arduous, and, dare I say, horrific journey, plagued with menacing whirlpools meant to drag us down. You have to face things about yourself that you don't like. Things we don't want to deal with. Re-live experiences that feel like they might literally break you.

So the next time you sit with a friend, a sibling, or a co-worker and find yourself thinking, "It's been 6 months, why can't they get over it?" "Why can't she just forgive and forget?" Go walk the plank! Remember, they are on a treasure hunt. There is no timetable for when they might return, and no guarantee they will find their treasure. So, step up or step off. Each embarkation is as individual and unique as the damaged Captain at the helm.

The search for Forgiveness is not for the weak. I propose it is only for the strong—the superior, even. Those with lesser constitutions will fake it or convince themselves that they don't need Forgiveness, she's a bitch. Although well-traveled, neither path has an X to mark the spot.

When my "Forgiveness Voyage" began, there were many on board. The deckhands were numerous. Many rode the waves with me for a good long time. But as the journey prolonged and the seas of my soul became dark and tumultuous, many jumped ship in search of calmer waters. That's okay. This is not their voyage; it is mine. In the end, I must reach my treasure alone, for once it's found, I am the only one who can partake in it. Forgiveness is the booty that cannot be shared; it is mine and mine alone. 

So, until that day, (best Pirate of the Caribbean accent) "Ahoy, Matey!"