For some reason I had this crazy notion that dating as an adult would be so much different, even easier than it was as a teenager. I had these euphoric ideas that I would be so mature and able to express myself. Boy was I wrong. I feel like a total idiot.
Not only do I feel like a 16 year old again but I am acting like one as well. At night I sit on the couch with my 15 year old daughter and we text our "boyfriends". Its kind of surreal. Makes it really hard to figure out who's the adult sometimes. Especially when I get a text (from my children) while I'm out on a date saying "The Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight Mom!" Never thought that one would be used on me at 38!
All in all its been a good experience (so far) and I am enjoying the possibilities of my new found singleness. Everything is exciting and new, the potential endless and overwhelming. Waiting for that phone call, holding hands or kissing for the first time, it all makes my stomach do somersaults which in turn has awoken the butterflies from their decades long hibernation. The feelings are both magical and awful at the same time.
Unfortunately, I am also starting to experience the weight and gut-wrenching stress of the baggage I now carry. It is sad that "John Doe" has to deal with said "baggage" but, what do you do? I'm not sure how to get around that. My experiences in life, both good and bad, make me the person that I am and hopefully those experiences will benefit us both. In the end, I guess that I will have to trust the fact that if/when I meet "Mr. Right" he will love me in spite of my neurosis, and over time, my fears will subside, my insecurities will calm, my neediness fade and the pain and swelling of betrayal and mistrust will heal.
I'm afraid that my "Mr. Right" has a big job on his hands. Not to mention the fact that I am a package deal...buy one, get 4 more absolutely FREE! Not only does he have to love me but my four perfect (in some world) kids. I'm beginning to wonder if it is even a possibility, I mean the odds are not in my favor. Part of me completely buys into the whole Brady Bunch-Disney Channel fairy tale, that my Mr. Right will fall madly in love with me AND my 4 kids, we become a big happy family, live happily ever after, blah blah blah. But then, the one sane and realistic bone I have in my body says "Wake up sister, haven't you already experienced enough failure to know life is not a fairy tale!"
So, now I find myself caught between parallel worlds. The one where there is love at first site, soul mates, happily ever after, and the one where there is real people, with real issues, bad dates, unrealistic expectations. Being let down, turned down or simply put down. Its a jungle out there, as they say. How about I simply close my eyes and someone wake me up when its all done and I am once again a happily married woman!
I think the answer lies in one very famous quote by one amazing woman "It is better that we pass through the sorrow that we may know the good..."
Never in my life have I understood or appreciated that quote more than I do now. There is nothing in life than can bring you closer to God or the ability to appreciate the "good" in life more than crisis and tragedy. It is both a blessing and a curse. So for now I simply press on. Life goes on with or without me and so most days I try to hop on board. Each day is a new stop with new challenges and opportunities, sadness and joy. The idea of this new life is both exciting and daunting. I look forward to becoming a new and better person but I am also terrified of the failures that will inevitably come.
Wish me luck!
Not only do I feel like a 16 year old again but I am acting like one as well. At night I sit on the couch with my 15 year old daughter and we text our "boyfriends". Its kind of surreal. Makes it really hard to figure out who's the adult sometimes. Especially when I get a text (from my children) while I'm out on a date saying "The Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight Mom!" Never thought that one would be used on me at 38!
All in all its been a good experience (so far) and I am enjoying the possibilities of my new found singleness. Everything is exciting and new, the potential endless and overwhelming. Waiting for that phone call, holding hands or kissing for the first time, it all makes my stomach do somersaults which in turn has awoken the butterflies from their decades long hibernation. The feelings are both magical and awful at the same time.
Unfortunately, I am also starting to experience the weight and gut-wrenching stress of the baggage I now carry. It is sad that "John Doe" has to deal with said "baggage" but, what do you do? I'm not sure how to get around that. My experiences in life, both good and bad, make me the person that I am and hopefully those experiences will benefit us both. In the end, I guess that I will have to trust the fact that if/when I meet "Mr. Right" he will love me in spite of my neurosis, and over time, my fears will subside, my insecurities will calm, my neediness fade and the pain and swelling of betrayal and mistrust will heal.
I'm afraid that my "Mr. Right" has a big job on his hands. Not to mention the fact that I am a package deal...buy one, get 4 more absolutely FREE! Not only does he have to love me but my four perfect (in some world) kids. I'm beginning to wonder if it is even a possibility, I mean the odds are not in my favor. Part of me completely buys into the whole Brady Bunch-Disney Channel fairy tale, that my Mr. Right will fall madly in love with me AND my 4 kids, we become a big happy family, live happily ever after, blah blah blah. But then, the one sane and realistic bone I have in my body says "Wake up sister, haven't you already experienced enough failure to know life is not a fairy tale!"
So, now I find myself caught between parallel worlds. The one where there is love at first site, soul mates, happily ever after, and the one where there is real people, with real issues, bad dates, unrealistic expectations. Being let down, turned down or simply put down. Its a jungle out there, as they say. How about I simply close my eyes and someone wake me up when its all done and I am once again a happily married woman!
I think the answer lies in one very famous quote by one amazing woman "It is better that we pass through the sorrow that we may know the good..."
Never in my life have I understood or appreciated that quote more than I do now. There is nothing in life than can bring you closer to God or the ability to appreciate the "good" in life more than crisis and tragedy. It is both a blessing and a curse. So for now I simply press on. Life goes on with or without me and so most days I try to hop on board. Each day is a new stop with new challenges and opportunities, sadness and joy. The idea of this new life is both exciting and daunting. I look forward to becoming a new and better person but I am also terrified of the failures that will inevitably come.
Wish me luck!
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