Forgiveness Voyage; Rough seas ahead!

Forgiveness is a tender subject for me, as it is for anyone who has been, dare I use the word, victimized, at the hands of another. I've dwelt on the concept of Forgiveness for a number of years. I want it, I crave it...Yet it continues to elude me. I see it, hiding... Just. Over. There! It seems as though we play a perpetual game of hide and seek. Forgiveness...you wily rascal, you! Like a cat, sometimes it snuggles right up on your chest and purrs in your ear, giving feelings of contentment and peace. Then, suddenly, without warning, it bites you hard, and flees, and you're left feeling bewildered and hurt.

I love those documentaries about modern-day pirates or treasure hunters. They are fascinating! The evidence that the treasure actually exists is so compelling. I am drawn in, excited, and hopeful. I'm sure they will find it; how could they not! Yet by the end of the 50 minutes, even with all of their sophisticated research, equipment, and advanced technology, most of the time, they come up empty-handed. And just like that, we are back to square one—left wondering what they're missing, whether their calculations are off, or maybe, just maybe, the treasure doesn't really exist. Finding Forgiveness is like a treasure hunt. 

Now, I am the treasure hunter (currently donning my eye patch), and Forgiveness, she is my bounty! I have the tools, the research, and the knowledge of how to find her. Occasionally, I come across a precious nugget or two in my search. It is rewarding and comforting, but, alas, it is not the whole enchilada, and I am greedy...I want the entire booty, "Aargh! Where's me treasure!"

And just in case, simply finding it isn't hard enough, let's add in a pinch of self-righteous advice from others."It's been (fill in the blank) years, you should have forgiven and forgotten by now." or  this little gem: "Forgiveness is for you, not them." Really? Thanks for clearing that up! I wish they could hear, just how patronizing they sound as the words exit their tiny, perfect, little mouths? Would they continue to speak? I think they would. After all, they mean well. Or do they?

I know there are those around me, close friends and family, people I love, and who love me, who are wishing, hoping, and praying that I will find my elusive treasure—sooner, rather than later. Their concerned faces are laced with impatience. They want me to find peace, or maybe they believe that when I find Forgiveness, they can too. But, unless you have forged the journey for yourself you cannot understand just how painstaking the process. How arduous the journey. I cannot will myself to forgive...if I could, we wouldn't have a problem, would we? Hell! No one would have a problem if we could all simply will ourselves to forgive those who have wronged us.

If I've learned anything in my search so far, it is this: Every. Single. Thing. Is a process, and I mean everything, no exceptions. It would be nice if I woke up tomorrow and "found" Forgiveness. OMG! She was hiding under my bed this whole time. But would that actually make me a better person? After all, Forgiveness is for "us", not "them". 😉

In my experience, it's the push against the storm. Screaming at the waves when all seems lost, "Is that all you've got!" that will, in the end, create a better person, not Forgiveness. Do we actually "find" Forgiveness, or does she find us—when we are ready? When we've fought the good fight. When we've sailed all the tempestuous seas of our soul and faced the depths of hurt that lie beneath waves (queue the Jaw's them song). If you're not afraid, you're doing it wrong. It's a long, arduous, and, dare I say, horrific journey, plagued with menacing whirlpools meant to drag us down. You have to face things about yourself that you don't like. Things we don't want to deal with. Re-live experiences that feel like they might literally break you.

So the next time you sit with a friend, a sibling, or a co-worker and find yourself thinking, "It's been 6 months, why can't they get over it?" "Why can't she just forgive and forget?" Go walk the plank! Remember, they are on a treasure hunt. There is no timetable for when they might return, and no guarantee they will find their treasure. So, step up or step off. Each embarkation is as individual and unique as the damaged Captain at the helm.

The search for Forgiveness is not for the weak. I propose it is only for the strong—the superior, even. Those with lesser constitutions will fake it or convince themselves that they don't need Forgiveness, she's a bitch. Although well-traveled, neither path has an X to mark the spot.

When my "Forgiveness Voyage" began, there were many on board. The deckhands were numerous. Many rode the waves with me for a good long time. But as the journey prolonged and the seas of my soul became dark and tumultuous, many jumped ship in search of calmer waters. That's okay. This is not their voyage; it is mine. In the end, I must reach my treasure alone, for once it's found, I am the only one who can partake in it. Forgiveness is the booty that cannot be shared; it is mine and mine alone. 

So, until that day, (best Pirate of the Caribbean accent) "Ahoy, Matey!"

A lot has happened..

A lot has happened since my last post...

• Taylor graduated (hallelujah) and served a 2 year LDS mission to Colombia, South America.
• Taylor and Morgann both got married, not necessarily in that order, adding two incredible souls to our family.
• My first grandchild was born to Morgann and her husband Grant, on June 21 2016, 3 1/2 months too early. She was only 1lb 7oz. The smallest things take up the most room in our hearts. #unsinkableMolly

In between those highlights, I dated, got married, got divorced and am dating once again. It's been a rough road. Ultimately, I'm a hopeless romantic who, despite being bucked off, more than once, keeps getting back on that horse. Why can't I learn? Guess I'm bound and determined to see if "the third time" really is the charm! My dream is to share my life with someone who truly loves me, but the more I learn about love, the more elusive it seems. So...I keep searching. It just shouldn't be this hard!

Taylor and his beautiful wife, Laura, have left Utah. Currently living in different states until Laura finishes her Music Therapy Internship in Cleveland, Ohio. Once that is done, they hope to settle in Virginia, where Taylor is currently living and working...way too far away for my liking. I miss them both terribly!

I always wondered if it would be hard to accept and love my children's spouses, but, luckily, it has been so easy! Laura and Grant have been amazing additions to my life and family. I love them both so much for who they are and appreciate the amazing influence they have already had on my life and the lives of my children.  

MaKaela is a Senior this year, has a boyfriend, and is one of the hardest working people I know. She has an incredible gift with children and could easily lure children from their homes and families with her "Pied Piper-esque" charm. Not saying she kidnaps little children, but the phrase "I want to live with MaKaela" has been heard more than once in my home.

Tyson has discovered lacrosse. He loves it, and I love that he loves it! He's taller than everyone except Taylor at this point, and is enjoying it immensely! As soon as he is brave/strong enough to put the smack-down on his sister, his life will be complete!

The last seven years have been marked by challenges. Extreme highs and some very low lows. Such is the roller coaster of this existence. For now, I hope that Molly will be the only drama in my life for a while. I/we need a respite. She is so beautiful and strong. I long for the day when I get to rock her to sleep, blow raspberries on her tummy, and bite her little toes. For now, it's trips to the hospital, prayers, good vibes, and soft whispers through her porthole, "Nana loves you". Her parents are strong. I've always wondered what kind of amazing little soul would be sent to their home...Now I know, her name is Molly.

One Hot Mamma

I have to share the most amazing moment I've had in years (even if it is at my sons expense...again!).

I went into Wendy's last week to drop off my son his phone. He was working at the back window so one of his co-workers walked back and said "Hey Taylor, your girls here".
Confused, Taylor responds, "What?"
Co-worker again says "Your girls here, she's got something for you".
Thinking that his friend obviously had the wrong person Taylor says, "I don't have a GIRL".
So they both walk up to the front of the store slightly perplexed and as they round the corner Taylor says, "DUDE, that's my MOM!". To which the co-worker replies "No way, she's gotta only be in her twenties!"

Taylor said that he did eventually believed him with some coaxing, he thinks...

Can't beat that kind of compliment with a stick!

The Heart of a Boy

Doesn't it always happen that just when you think a child cares nothing about you or your feelings they end up shocking you?!

This was my experience today with Taylor. Lately I've been feeling somewhat taken advantage of, especially by my 18 year old free-loading son! But then would it be normal to feel any other way?

But today he came home from school and told me that they had been discussing the 2nd coming of Christ in Seminary and were asked what they would say to him if hey were there and had the opportunity to speak to him. What he said left me gawbsmacked.

He said, "I asked two things Mom." "To know my Mother's sacrifice and to help my Dad".
I couldn't do anything but give him a hug. Behind that slacker-video-game-obsessed-teenageer is an extremely tender hearted boy.

Some days I feel so extremely blessed for the opportunity to raise such outstanding individuals...and today is one of those days!

Dating 101

For some reason I had this crazy notion that dating as an adult would be so much different, even easier than it was as a teenager. I had these euphoric ideas that I would be so mature and able to express myself. Boy was I wrong. I feel like a total idiot.

Not only do I feel like a 16 year old again but I am acting like one as well. At night I sit on the couch with my 15 year old daughter and we text our "boyfriends". Its kind of surreal. Makes it really hard to figure out who's the adult sometimes. Especially when I get a text (from my children) while I'm out on a date saying "The Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight Mom!" Never thought that one would be used on me at 38!

All in all its been a good experience (so far) and I am enjoying the possibilities of my new found singleness. Everything is exciting and new, the potential endless and overwhelming. Waiting for that phone call, holding hands or kissing for the first time, it all makes my stomach do somersaults which in turn has awoken the butterflies from their decades long hibernation. The feelings are both magical and awful at the same time.

Unfortunately, I am also starting to experience the weight and gut-wrenching stress of the baggage I now carry. It is sad that "John Doe" has to deal with said "baggage" but, what do you do? I'm not sure how to get around that. My experiences in life, both good and bad, make me the person that I am and hopefully those experiences will benefit us both. In the end, I guess that I will have to trust the fact that if/when I meet "Mr. Right" he will love me in spite of my neurosis, and over time, my fears will subside, my insecurities will calm, my neediness fade and the pain and swelling of betrayal and mistrust will heal.

I'm afraid that my "Mr. Right" has a big job on his hands. Not to mention the fact that I am a package deal...buy one, get 4 more absolutely FREE! Not only does he have to love me but my four perfect (in some world) kids. I'm beginning to wonder if it is even a possibility, I mean the odds are not in my favor. Part of me completely buys into the whole Brady Bunch-Disney Channel fairy tale, that my Mr. Right will fall madly in love with me AND my 4 kids, we become a big happy family, live happily ever after, blah blah blah. But then, the one sane and realistic bone I have in my body says "Wake up sister, haven't you already experienced enough failure to know life is not a fairy tale!"

So, now I find myself caught between parallel worlds. The one where there is love at first site, soul mates, happily ever after, and the one where there is real people, with real issues, bad dates, unrealistic expectations. Being let down, turned down or simply put down. Its a jungle out there, as they say. How about I simply close my eyes and someone wake me up when its all done and I am once again a happily married woman!

I think the answer lies in one very famous quote by one amazing woman "It is better that we pass through the sorrow that we may know the good..."

Never in my life have I understood or appreciated that quote more than I do now. There is nothing in life than can bring you closer to God or the ability to appreciate the "good" in life more than crisis and tragedy. It is both a blessing and a curse. So for now I simply press on. Life goes on with or without me and so most days I try to hop on board. Each day is a new stop with new challenges and opportunities, sadness and joy. The idea of this new life is both exciting and daunting. I look forward to becoming a new and better person but I am also terrified of the failures that will inevitably come.

Wish me luck!

Introduction

This is my first post on my new blog! For the past 2 years I have been blogging on seipertfamilyadventures.blogspot.com

But life has thrown a curve ball my way and even though we are still the seipert family, our adventures have changed and so I felt our blog site should as well.

The kids and I have recently moved from India to my home state of Utah. We have a house right around the corner from 2 of my brothers and live just 10 minutes from my Mom and Dad.

After 20 years of living far from home it is hard to express the feelings I have about being close to family for the first time in my adult life.

Thanks to them and some wonderful friends our transition to Utah and my transition to single motherhood has been much less stressful than it could have been.

The four beautiful children you see in the picture above are mine...and trust me, they are not just ANY children, they are amazing, gifted, talented and creative people who make my life a joy to live. Not that they don't drive me to want to drink on occasion (what kid doesn't) but they have been a light in the darkness for me and I love them more than life itself!

So stay tuned for more of Me and My 4 kids!